How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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