This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Randomize
