Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
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