just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
