Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
