Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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