Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
