Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
