Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
