just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
