1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
