Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
