do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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