dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
