how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
