for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Are my feet made of real feet?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
