So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
