You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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