people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
