so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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