Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
She bit a glass in half.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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