My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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