Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Your cock deserves a montage
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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