Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I can't put those talents on a resume
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
