My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
