I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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