My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
