she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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