she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
And the cops told us we were all naked.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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