I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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