When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
