dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
