Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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