Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
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