five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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