ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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