The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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