shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
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