I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
