So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
