You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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