so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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