Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
