Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
