I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
