Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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