why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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