I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
