if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
