Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
