Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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